It wasn't where I last left it -- or maybe it is and I just have no idea where I last left it!
But honestly, I haven't been in desperate need to find it -- until yesterday.
I needed to be reacquainted with my old friend.
How could it be that it has been more than a month since I last put pen to paper?
Did I leave it at church? Oh, LORD, please tell me no! What would the person who found it think of me? Not that there is anything written there that is immoral. I have a lot of faults -- A LOT OF FAULTS -- but nothing is written there that I couldn't stand and testify about in any given setting if God said to do it.
But it contains my words. My innermost thoughts, prayers and heart cries. The "in pencil" thoughts about God and His Word that may or may not be theologically or doctrinally correct. The things that just my Lord and I are working out and the things He is teaching me.
It contains my insecurities -- almost every single one that God has brought to light of late. Struggles with my outward appearance. Confessions of my inadequacies as a wife and mother. The war that seems to never end between my spiritual man and the carnal one who wants to be lazy, gossip, antagonize, irritate, never exercise, eat too much and watch television all day.
It holds the things that make me giddy with joy, but might make someone else think I'm crazy! It holds the sighing and groaning of days of despair that might make someone else think I'm depressed. It holds the cries of shame from long ago confessed and forgiven failures that still seem to haunt me. He listens and cares. Someone else might judge and find fault.
It's ALL in there -- the good, the bad and the sometimes very ugly!
I would not be ashamed for my family to find it and read it, but right now I prefer it to be riches stored in a secret place -- a place reserved for me and God. It's a work in progress, really. The story of my life written in broken sentences, unfinished thoughts, quick Words spoken into my heart by the Holy Spirit, song lyrics that moved me to tears and then to the floor in a heap on my face before God, devotionals I read that cause me to live life differently if even for just a day, scriptures that were spoken directly from His heart into mine for "such a time as this" or that.
I'm not really ready for it to be public - read by anyone else. I still need this private place that's just for me and Him.
But this morning, I FOUND IT! Tucked away in a corner of my closet, there it was!
Thank you, God, for leaving it there and for drawing my eyes to it this morning!
On this Thankful Thursday, I FOUND MY JOURNAL!
Blessings,
Dori
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